NewsBiscuit

Britain’s Olympic hopefuls are even more determined to justify their selection, after a long and rambling speech by an office worker described the misery of a more mundane existence.

Dave Simister previously worked as a Quality Assurance manager in the same office for 25 years, a display of resilience that many athletes can only dream of. But Simister pledged to ‘give something back’ when he was presented with a long service medal with someone else’s name on it. He hit the professional lecture circuit and since then he’s barely looked back, reducing sportsmen from all fields to tears with his tales of drudgery.

‘To get across that feeling of being trapped in a dead-end job, I use a projector to display the exact words I’m reading out’, revealed Simister. When the crowd read ‘Slide 1 of 187’ at the bottom of the screen and I start to mumble through my notes, you can actually feel the tension in the room. That’s when I know I’ve got them exactly where I want them.’

‘Simister managed to give us a glimpse of the aching despair in his humdrum existence’, revealed Yamile Aldama, ‘it’s humbling to think of the hours of overtime he puts in, with no recognition.’ Aldama has vowed to take away lessons from the two and a half hour lecture. ‘If I don’t win at least a bronze in the triple-jump, there’s a chance I could follow in his footsteps. Although I doubt I could ever have his stamina, he must be some kind of genetic freak.’

With a shortish video about his filing system and some props in the form of a stapler and a broken hole-punch, Simister nonetheless managed to bore his audience more than many had thought possible. ‘He just kept plodding on and on with lots of similar stories about doing exactly the same thing, over and over and over again’, said 100 metres hopeful Dwain Chambers. ‘It’s hard to imagine what keeps him going, when the end seems so impossibly far away. I suppose it must be a bit like competing in the 800 metres.’

Share this story...

• 

• 

Posted: Jul 22nd, 2012 by waylandsmithy