Olympic terror threat level reduced after al-Qaeda outsource terrorism to G4S

'And to celebrate, we'll be treating everyone to a piss-up in a brewery'

There were large sighs of relief today following news that security firm G4S have been put in charge of organising all of al-Qaeda’s terrorist activities for the 2012 Olympics.

‘It just makes more sense to subcontract our terrorism,’ explained al-Qaeda boss Ayman al-Zawahiri. ‘G4S offered us the most competitive rate plus an absolute assurance that they can get 10,000 trained terrorists into the Olympic Stadium. To be honest most of our guys aren’t big sports fans anyway, although I am rather looking forward to the beach volleyball.’

Lord Coe welcomed the news. ‘With G4S tasked with providing the terrorism I think the athletes can sleep safely in their beds tonight. The only thing we have to worry about now is Boris Johnson setting fire to his hair with the Olympic torch.’

G4S chief executive Nick Buckles said he was delighted to have secured the al-Qaeda contract and that the company was working very hard to recruit enough terrorists to present a clear and present danger. ‘Obviously we have had a bit of bad press recently,’ admitted Mr Buckles, ‘but if we can just get this job done right then we can start to restore our reputation. The main problem at the moment is finding enough suicide bombers with suitable experience.’

However, many potential recruits are already complaining that G4S failed to provide even the most basic of terrorist training. ‘I signed up and did the course,’ explained one unemployed man. ‘They just handed me a grenade and a bag of Semtex and told me to go home and practice. Then they never even called me back, which is a shame because I think I could be really good at this sort of thing.’

Mr Buckles said that he was aware of the concerns. ‘We are doing everything we can to deliver an Olympic sized atrocity that everyone can be proud of,’ he said. ‘The last thing we want is for this to blow up in our face.’

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2012 by

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