Cautious welcome from vegetarians for compulsory bacon donor cards
Proposals for the introduction of compulsory Bacon Donor Cards have provoked a mixed reaction. The scheme was dreamt up so that pigs that die from natural causes can donate their bacon to desperate vegetarians, who would otherwise face a life of dull tasteless breakfasts. The cards are clipped in the pigs’ ears, and can be rubbed off on gateposts by animals that wish to opt out.
Vegetable enthusiasts have formed queues in several supermarkets, clutching bottles of HP sauce and muttering the mantra ‘red for bacon, brown for sausage’. However, some salad specialists are unsure of the ethics of taking out a card without a pig’s consent. And a handful have even questioned the manner in which donor pigs have died.
‘We wouldn’t normally expect to see so many pigs involved in apparent ‘roof tiling’ accidents, particularly when their sty roofs are so low, and made of corrugated iron’, explained Maureen Streep of the Vegetarians’ Society. ‘And I have serious doubts that thirty five pigs were shot in a post office raid in Norfolk. I can almost taste the lies in this spam fritter.’
Police are treating the death of a Gloucester Old Spot in Surrey as suspicious, the 200 lb boar apparently killed after injecting an unusually pure form of maple syrup. The evidence has been taken away for detectives to chew over, with a fried egg and a mug of tea.
There have been other problems with the scheme. Counterfeit ‘green tick’ labels are changing hands for tens of pounds on the black pudding market, and an EC ‘Quorn mountain’ has appeared overnight. ‘See, I told you it tastes nothing like meat’ explained one bureaucrat.
Some members of the Vegetarian Society are calling for the card to be replaced with a new scheme. ‘We propose an alternative ‘Sausage Will’, where people can leave the contents of their fridge to Vegans or veggies, desperate for a natural source of knuckles and wobbly bits. After all, you can’t take them with you’, said Ms Streep.
The scheme was given a warm approval by recently widowed vegan Doris Sheen, whose husband died in a freak accident while making toast in the bath. Weighing a still-frozen ribeye steak in her hand, she stated ‘it’s what he would have wanted. Especially with this delicious pepper sauce and a couple of kidneys.’
12th July 2011
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Posted: Jul 27th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
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