With a whopping six hours until the opening ceremony of London 2012, Dave Collins, a 54 year-old unemployed lorry driver, said he was ‘humbled’ to announce his intention to seek selection for Team GB.
‘The big problem was deciding which events to go for’, wheezed Collins. ‘I thought of the cycling road race but my bike’s stuck right at the back of my shed. There’s no point emptying it all out, adjusting the saddle and finding the pump, only to have Mark Cavendish come flying past in the last 200 metres.’
‘Next I thought about the trampoline, but I’m quite big-boned and there could be issues with health and safety’, admitted the Olympian. ‘It makes you shudder to think of all the official red-tape and bureaucracy standing between me and a place on the podium.’
Collins eventually on drove to his local McDonald’s restaurant, and ordered a couple of Big Macs and a large bucket of nuggets. ‘It may be too late to start an intensive fitness regime, but all those official sponsors adverts made me feel really hungry’, he explained. Collins is urging other would-be athletes to join him at the drive-thru: ‘Stop moaning, and support the Olympics the best way you can.’