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China denies Olympic pool success down to human-dolphin hybrids

fancies Rebecca AdlingtonThe first cheating scandal of the Olympic Games erupted today when China angrily denied accusations made by BBC presenter, Claire Balding, that its six gold medals in the pool have been won by human-dolphin hybrids.

As Chinese swimming prodigy Ye Shiwen completed an extraordinary performance to smash the world record, for a dolphin, Balding responded by donning a wet suit and demanding a full public inquiry into the incident.

Many in Team GB now suspect the Chinese have embarked on a secretive human-dolphin breeding programme to thwart British athletes who have never even looked at a dolphin that way let alone interfered with one, even while on holiday. The BBC presenter claimed her suspicions were raised when she overheard the 16 year-old Ye Shiwen (16 in human years) navigating her way around the Olympic pool’s deep-end using a series of clicks.

‘Also noteworthy was Ye Shiwen’s almost docile friendliness and the way she can position herself upright in the water when not swimming at phenomenal speed,’ said Balding. She then provoked a Twitter storm by recommending that viewers ‘look at her toothy smile and consider her rumoured ability of balancing a ball on the end of her nose.’

Though some deemed Balding’s comments outrageous, she later received the support of former Olympic Gold medallist, Duncan Goodhew, who recommended that Chinese swimmers be tested for dolphin traits by seeing how well they perform in tuna nets. Goodhew said; ‘If they get caught up in them very easily and start thrashing about then you’re definitely looking at a hybrid athlete who shares a lot of DNA with Flipper.‘

‘This has to be non-fish Rebecca Adlington’s best hope of a gold medal. We should ban them; then it’s Game on!’ he added.

Meanwhile, an unrepentant Balding denied accusations of sour grapes, insisting she will be waiting poolside for the 800 metres freestyle final with a bucket of fish in order ‘to tell the genuine athletes apart from the slippery dolphin hybrid cheats.’

Last night, the Chinese Peoples’ Olympic Committee hit back suggesting that Olympic dope-fiend Dwain Chambers had improved on his personal best in the 200 metres by grafting on the back legs on an antelope.

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Posted: Jul 30th, 2012 by Gary Stanton

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