After a weekend of remarkable Olympic achievement for Team GB, the prime minister David Cameron has congratulated the athletes, coaches and George Osborne for their crucial contribution to this sporting success.
‘There were a lot of cynics telling us budget cuts would ruin everything,’ a gloating Mr Cameron told anybody who would listen, ‘but just look at Jess Ennis, Mo Farah and that ginger lad – George Osborne has been cutting their funding like mad since we got in, and look what it did for them. Brilliant. Peter Wilson hasn’t received a penny for years and he shot his way straight to gold with private funding from an Arab prince, a similar model to our NHS reforms.
‘I know everybody’s going on about multiculturalism, fair play and Danny Boyle but, let’s face it, austerity is the real winner here.’
Without hesitation, Mr Cameron announced that the principle of ‘spend less for better results’ will be extended to all government departments. Jobseeker’s
Allowance is thought to be the first thing to see significant change. ‘If we pay nothing to those looking for work, then just as Andy Murray was inspired to Olympic victory, they will be inspired to get a job, followed by a slightly less good second job a few hours later,’ an over-excited chancellor told us. ‘More spending cuts will be announced next week, but to show we have learnt more than one lesson from these games, they will be announced on ‘Spending Cuts Saturday’ and come into effect on ‘Miserable Monday’.’
In a retaliatory statement, Labour Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls claimed it was ‘unfair’ for the coalition to take all the credit. ‘I was in the Treasury with Gordon when we discovered an enormous pile of money from John Major’s disastrous ‘National Lottery’ policy and immediately spent the lot on eye-catching initiatives and accruing national debt, so you should be thanking me,’ Mr Balls said. ‘The Labour government also clearly had a huge influence on our cyclists in the team pursuit at the Velodrome – going round in circles, everyone wanting to be the leader, and a lot of helmets. And if Chris Hoy hadn’t come to Gordon Brown’s private parties, they wouldn’t have started wearing lycra.’