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Britain’s top universities are still capable of churning out top-rank arseholes, despite recent attempts to force the odd prole through their doors.

That’s the claim made by bursars at Oxford and Cambridge universities, home to colleges with a proud history of arsehole production. In fact, many of the arseholes who have graduated from the region widely regard themselves to be ‘the envy of the world’.

‘It’s not all inspirational Olympians and dedicated research scientists,’ insisted Dr Jeremy Hogg, chair of Oxford’s St. Windolene’s college. ‘We’re still knocking out the sort of bore that orders breakfast in Latin. For every scientist researching cancer there’s a misunderstood director making wilfully difficult ballet about the fagging system. They’re both arseholes, but only one of them makes a song and dance about it.’

Hogg wants his illuminati of glittering arseholes to make more of an effort to promote themselves, a feat that many who’ve met them would scarcely believe possible. ‘A lot of our graduates don’t do anything useful at all,’ boasted Hogg, himself a Fellow of Jazz Harpsichords and a keen proponent of classical marmaladeology. ‘With the correct accent, a bit of tweed and a patronising sneer, even a harmless mathematician can create a sphincter-like aura. There’s never a wrong time to remind those in earshot of where you went to college, or hand relatives your business card, and explain what all those letters mean.’

Hogg believes there are some simple steps that an arsehole can take to draw more attention to themselves. ‘If you host visitors at work, why not keep a swan in your office?’ advised Hogg. ‘Litter your conversation with quotations from Bertolt Brecht and references to obscure Russian sonnets. There’s plenty of history that you can draw on, particularly those years you spent at prep school. Complaining noisily about that is bound to really piss people off.’ Speaking louder than necessary comes naturally to the majority of arseholes, but Hogg thinks they can go further, if they revive the Victorian tradition of ‘bragging through a trumpet’.

Hogg is very proud of his college, which has benefited members of his family for generations. ‘Whether I’m at my private members club or listening to opera in my chamber, I hear very few complaints about the arsehole system,’ he claimed. ‘Who could criticise these elite places of learning, with their archaic traditions, elaborate architecture and complete isolation from the real world?’

With most of his peers remaining in higher education until retirement or a career in politics, it’s no surprise that they support Hogg 100%. ‘We’re a tight-knit little circle that pulls together in times of stress,’ claimed Hogg. ‘In that respect, we’re proper arseholes.’

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2012 by waylandsmithy