‘Mockney bloodbath’ promised for Olympic closing ceremony

Britain’s best loved member of the upper middle class ‘Mockney’ clan, film director Guy Ritchie, has unveiled his plans for the 2012 Olympic closing ceremony.

‘My little spectacular is going to be the ‘dog’s trustfunds’, if you know what I’m saying.’ quipped Ritchie, addressing the media. ‘And, yes, there will be broken noses and witty fuckin’ ripostes to your dumb arsed questions.’

Ritchie first found fame documenting the humorously amoral antics of the Mockney clan through such docu-dramas as ‘Snatch’ and ‘Swept Away’.

LOCOG hired him to stage the closing ceremony after it became clear Danny Boyle’s opening spectacular lacked the mindless brutality for which London’s East End is renowned.

Details have remained secret, thanks to the barely comprehensible mockney-rhyming threats made by Mr Ritchie to the 60,000 dress rehearsal audience. However, it’s thought that it will feature a tightly choreographed retelling of Reggie Kray’s murder of Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie. At the climax, Kray is vanquished by a legion of Dick Van Dyke’s, who float to earth wielding poison-tipped chimney brushes.

Some roads leading from the stadium will be closed after the ceremony, Ritchie warned, ‘due to essential waste disposal works regarding certain departed geezers’.

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Posted: Aug 10th, 2012 by

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