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Olympics fan sets new record for collecting Sunday papers from newsagent

celebrations set to go right through into Mo-ndayInspired by the feats of the world’s elite athletes, a Carshalton man has shaved a full minute off his personal best for collecting the Sunday papers.

Michael Owen Sanders – who acquired his name by deed poll after the 1998 World Cup but now wishes to be known as ‘Mo’ following a change of allegiance – attributed his record time to a number of factors, but above all to the ‘London effect’.

‘I concentrated on carb-loading the previous night,’ said Mo, describing his achievement to the BBC’s Phil Jones. ‘Pizza and chips washed down by an enviable six pack while I watched the sprint relay was perfect. I slept soundly on the sofa and refrained from sex in the morning, partly because Mrs S had already gone out.’

Fine weather on Sunday meant the front lawn was dry and slug-free, allowing him to take a short cut without endangering his loafers, while surface conditions were excellent following the recent completion of a gas main installation.

‘I knew the nearest shop would have run out of papers by the time I got there, but it’s part of the official course anyway,’ said Mo, adding that his time would have been even better but for a self-imposed 30-second time penalty caused by stopping to buy an ice cream. ‘I made up for it when there was no queue in the second shop, and the third leg back to the house was a breeze.’

Asked if his new PB would inspire him to train harder in order to reduce the time for his walk still further, Mo looked confused. ‘Walk? You must be joking mate. It’s over half a mile to the first shop even, and anyway I needed to be back in time for the end of the men’s marathon. When I mentioned the ‘London effect’ I meant the empty roads caused by people staying in to watch the Olympics.’

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Posted: Aug 12th, 2012 by Des Custard

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