Doctors examining the Duke of Edinburgh have urged him to practice more conventional forms of intercourse if he is to avoid further bladder infections. HRH Prince Philip spent the night in a ‘ghastly’ NHS hospital in Aberdeen as a precautionary measure after an infection caused by years of furtive misdirection ran amok .
The Duke, an unsung advocate of ‘booty love’, attributes his ability to still get it up at the ripe old age of 91 to a combination of having led a charmed life and favourable genetics, both of which he was lucky enough to inherit, and a loving, forgiving, stoical partner.
‘When they brought him in he had that kind of sheepish look on his face, like a naughty schoolboy. It’s surely significant that they had been enjoying a weekend at Balmoral,’ said Dr Reginald Smithies, who is monitoring the Duke’s condition. ‘This type of infection is consistent with, ahem, ‘you know what’. We see a lot of it, especially amongst aristocrats and French tourists.’
‘He had the same thing last year shortly before the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert – and you know what they say about birthdays and anniversaries,’ the doctor added, with a knowing yet professional wink. ‘If it is even remotely conceivable that his Highness might wish to engage in this kind of activity, I’ve recommended that he should ‘rubber up’ as this will prevent germs normally only found amongst commoners being transmitted to the Royal urinary tract.’
Royal watcher Simon Patridge, from Cowes on the Isle of Wight, who saw the Duke on Wednesday morning, said: ‘Prince Philip seemed in very good spirits, which is hardly surprising now that we know what we think we know, and to add to that impression he gave the crowd a cheeky thumbs up before entering the ambulance. Gawd bless ‘im.’
When the Duke is eventually discharged, or indeed discharges, he is likely to be told to rest, meaning he will miss the opening of the Paralympic Games, which an aide clarified as a ‘disappointment’ but in any case not something which after years of massive gigs around the world, would come even close to giving his Royal Highness ‘the horn’.
A reluctant patient at the best of times, Prince Philip has now spent his 10th night in hospital since just before Christmas last year. Then, he was suffering from a blocked coronary artery, which may have been the result of a ‘donkey punch’ – an aggressive sexual manoeuvre enjoyed in Royal circles since the time of Catherine the Great.