Archibald McGregor, a hard-working 78-year-old pensioner living in a small village in Lancashire, has been brought to the verge of a nervous breakdown by thefts from the vegetable garden he relies on to supplement his meagre pension. It is understood that the culprits are a rogue family of rabbits who have never applied for planning permission for their sand-bank underneath the root of a very big fir-tree.
‘I thought I’d seen the back of them when I shot the buck. He was put into a pie by Mrs McGregor,’ the frail Scot told reporters. ‘Well, I say put into a pie, actually she deep fried him in batter wi’ some chips. He didnae taste too bad, mind, even though the daft hen forgot tae take his guts out. She’s not been very well, you know.’
However, the doe and her litter of four have continued their vendetta. In one recent incident, a notorious young tearaway known only as Peter allegedly ran straight away to McGregor’s garden, squeezed under the gage and ate lettuces, French beans and radishes. Next, feeling rather sick, he went to look for some parsley and encountered Mr McGregor on his hands and knees planting out young cabbages round the end of a cucumber frame.
A confrontation followed and, in a typical example of political correctness gone mad, it is not the callous young rabbit who is facing criminal charges but poor Mr McGregor. Police have confirmed ‘McGregor used excessive force by trying to trap Peter in a gooseberry net, then stamping on him in a shed. He also failed to return a blue jacket with brass buttons that was allegedly left behind at the scene of the crime.’