In coordinated dawn raids yesterday, several of Team GB’s celebrated Olympic cycling champions were arrested and detained indefinitely, including Sir Chris Hoy, Bradley Wiggins and Victoria Pendleton.
The move followed a marked country-wide deterioration in traffic conditions following the Olympic Games, accompanied by the realisation that the cause, according to the people who referred the matter to the police, the Social League Against Cycle Kings, or Slackers as they like to be known, was thousands of condom-clad poseurs clogging up the roads as they try to emulate their heroes.
Surrey’s Chief Constable Lynne Owens defended the charges, saying that the elite few probably thought their behaviour was acceptable since they mostly live in the North, but their influence was having a major detrimental effect in her own crowded county, where the menace had reached crisis point.
‘It only takes a few tossers to decide to cycle to work and thousands of hard working drivers get seriously held up,’ she said, impartially. ‘It was acceptable in the 1950s when traffic was light, cars were smaller and people cycled because that was all they could afford, but these days there’s not a hope in Hell of getting past the scrotes and there’s really no excuse for it.’
She added that the problem is as bad at weekends, when accountants and solicitors now leave their families to prove themselves by clogging up country roads as they accumulate the miles. The chaos is exacerbated by ‘fun pedallers’, so called because they wander all over the road, with aspirations of ‘pedalling’.
Despite calls from extremists for the medallists to be shot as an example, it is hoped that as a condition of their release they will instead be persuaded to record videos renouncing cycling and encouraging their imitators to take advantage of an amnesty to hand in their machines for scrapping.
But business leaders have questioned the aggressive stance being taken against the cyclists claiming that these employees are pushing themselves harder and harder to reach the office earlier each day, and that when they get there their productivity has soared.
‘With all the great results, the esteem and the glory it’s bringing to the company I don’t think we should judge anyone too harshly or hastily,’ said CEO of Godalming Paper Supplies, George Metcalfe. ‘Let’s see what they can really do. We should give them a few years, let them bring in lots of new business and when they get too cocky, we’ll get rid of them by engineering a positive test for EPO.’