Rupert Murdoch has emerged as the leading candidate to secure lucrative contracts providing services to the National Health Service. The surprise announcement followed the recent restructuring of the coalition cabinet, with industry observers using their enormous breadth of knowledge on the subject, a degree of intuition, and the fact that Jeremy Hunt’s now in charge of Health to proclaim the move ‘a masterstroke’, ‘timely’, ‘shrewd business’ and ‘gawd ‘elp us all’.
Under Mr Murdoch’s proposals, nurses supplied to the health service through his organisation will receive significantly improved salaries of up to an eye-watering £200 a week each, as long as the rights to televised tracheotomies can secure a global audience. Advertising revenue from sponsored surgical instruments will also bring in cash as Mr Murdoch strives to bring the NHS up to Premier League standards.
‘Cancer victims in Bikinis and happy smiling nurses, that’s what the nation wants,’ trumpeted Mr Murdoch via Twitter.
Mr Hunt insisted that the bids for the new contracts would breathe new life into the market, provide a significant boost to quality of service and encourage future competition. ‘But you have to look at the wider picture as well,’ he added, ‘Of course there’s a potential downside if it all goes wrong and if that happens we will naturally have to blah de blah, de blah.’
This is not Murdoch’s first foray into the public sector as he has already made tentative inroads into the education market, albeit with limited success, ‘OK, that hasn’t quite lived up to expectations for them yet,’ conceded Mr Hunt, ‘but I’ll have a quiet word with Michael Gove and then give it a couple of years, or if need be I’ll go for Education Secretary myself in the next reshuffle.’
A significant other revenue stream will emerge from patients being badgered to sell their stories to News International as an attempt to both provide a psychological shoulder to cry on and also fill up an otherwise increasingly devoid tabloid press.
Faced with the prospect of surgeons employed by News Corpse hacking into patients without their consent Mr Murdoch assured what was left of the assembly of News International reporters that; ‘There’s nothing to worry about, their secrets will be as completely safe with us as those of Mr Hunt, or Mr Cameron, or Mr Osborne, or….’