Britain was this morning swamped with zombies as the government’s controversial benefits cutback forcing those who are clearly dead but who have been deemed to be undead by Atos assessments, and therefore available for work, came into force.
Under the new Atos rules, silence in response to such questions as ‘do you like to eat brains’ now constitutes no defence at all against a charge that those interrogated could easily dig themselves out of a grave and lumber around slowly. They might even be able to carry something useful while they’re at it for the good of the nation, according to the Atos guidelines.
Several zombies newly employed in the warehouse at the Guildford branch of B&Q have muttered, some would say menacingly, that they really are unfit to carry out their duties as the simple task of bringing planks to the till terrifies children and leaves adult customers in such trauma that they can’t remember their PIN, and the sale falls through.
But the government has promised to listen slowly and carefully to their concerns, using an interpreter and backing away slowly if necessary, and accepted that even those who are deemed dead rather than undead should not be castigated and still had an important role to play.
‘Whilst technically the dead do not receive benefits,’ said a spokeswoman for the Department of Work and Pensions, ‘they would be the first to admit that they do actually take up hundreds of thousands of acres of prime real estate all over the country. After Atos got no reply from any of them on the question of ‘do you actually own this plot Sir, or Madam’, we can confidently push forward with selling off all the graveyards and redeveloping them as luxury housing accessible by anyone who can afford it, which is obviously the fairest possible outcome and completely legal under the government’s new planning guidelines.’
But what no-one at the DWP foresaw was the effect of Celebrity zombies entering industries now populated by younger generations. The world of politics is proving particularly tough for the dead to re-enter though the problem there is mostly one of reluctance to work with the living.
‘It’s been chaos,’ said a stupefied Cabinet insider. ‘Within five minutes of meeting Micheal Gove, Rab Butler started throwing things and every time he sees Nick Clegg, David Lloyd George just laughs and laughs. But the good news is that Ian Duncan Smith’s recovering well after an operation to remove a stapler from his arse, which has absolutely nothing to do with his brief meeting with the brain-eating version of Nye Bevan.’