Mars Rover discovers crater ‘formed by colossal cat turd’
With the surface of Mars resembling a recently weeded patch of dry clay soil or a newly laid bed of iron-rich cat litter, NASA scientists had predicted an 89% chance of discovering such a phenonemon, and have already begun planning five-year missions around the solar system to find the huge, inter-galactic, bastard cat who did it.
Despite the turd being two storeys high and smelling strongly of fish heads, Curiosity managed to tread in it shortly before breakfast, while its sensors were still a bit bleary. ‘Judging by the composition of this Martian doody and the way it splattered all around the wheel arches, we think this could be the strongest hint yet that Mars is home to fascinating life-forms,’ explained Mission Control’s Charles ‘Chuck’ Peters. ‘That’s if they haven’t already been wiped out by some enormous, massive, predatory fucking space cat.’
Experts in space maths are currently trying to reprogram Curiosity, so that it can tiptoe carefully around the alien outrage, get over it, and get on with its daily work. An initial attempt to laser a path through it was quickly abandoned, after Curiosity’s olfactory sensors caused it to vomit up an airbag.
It is hoped that the exploratory vehicle will reach the turd’s ‘pinch point’ some time before mid-November, but it’s a dangerous operation that exceeds the robot’s design brief. ‘Obviously, we tested Curiosity for most eventualities, including interactions with fucking enormous space cats,’ insisted Peters, ‘but unfortunately we didn’t factor in the possibility that Curiosity could be buried unnoticed in one of its turds, or carried off and tormented underneath a statistically improbable Martian wardrobe.’
‘These are the issues now keeping us awake at night,’ he sighed. ‘While the bastard’s probably sleeping off its lunch somewhere, in a big solar drawer full of socks.’
The team hopes Curiosity can learn enough about Mars’ past to prevent massive fucking space cats making a nuisance of themselves on our own planet, but Peters has a back-up plan, should a juge paw descend from space to disrupt the mission on Mars and try to flip Curiosity over: ‘If we can grab it with the robot arm, we might just be able to rub its face in it.’Click to send this story to a friend
Posted: Sep 7th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
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