Archbishop of Canterbury launches scathing attack on 1987 Ferguson video recorder
The rarely-outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has launched a scathing attack on his ageing VCR. Dr Williams accused the device, first rented from Rumbelows in 1987, of being ‘increasingly irrelevant’ in the corner of his lounge.
Dr Williams has accused the blank screen and annoying hissing noise created by the recorder of being ‘out of touch’ in modern Britain. His criticism comes after 27 months of failed recordings of Songs of Praise, and with retirement now looming and only Welsh channels available on his kitchen portable, the leader of the global Anglican communion says he now hopes to ‘turn back the clock’, or at least reset it to British Summer Time.
‘When I engage with the people around me, particularly my wife and children, they speak of their frustration at being left behind by the relentless march of progress,’ admitted Williams. ‘The Church of England is open to such criticisms, and I often turn to the good book for guidance when faced with such adversity. It’s surprisingly prescient, if a little hard to translate. I think it’s suggesting I tune it manually or anoint the heads with Holy Spirit, using a cotton bud through the little flap on the front.’
Despite the demise of analogue broadcasts and society’s growing acceptance of set-top boxes and even Blu-ray – unthinkable just a few years ago - Dr Williams is insistent that it’s not too late to halt the decline in technological standards in Britain. Jane Williams is impressed by her husband’s dedication to such an obsolete way of living.
‘Every evening, Rowan kneels in quiet contemplation, bows his head and wordlessly fiddles with the tracking,’ she explained. ‘I’m sure we witnessed the ghostly image of Stephen Fry through the static last week.’ Many of the faithful find such claims highly controversial, not for well-proven technical reasons, but because they don’t want homosexuals in their living rooms. But Dr Williams welcomes all-comers, even those on Betamax. ‘The church needs to remain relevant,’ he insisted. ‘That’s why I’m buying a new aerial, to see if I can pick up this ‘Channel 5’.’
Click to send this story to a friend
Posted: Sep 11th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
Click for more stories about: Faith
Loading...