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Language experts in a remote area of Britain are frantically hunting for a word to describe ‘a man who does not come second’. Throughout the language’s 800 year history no such word has ever been needed, although there are 87 different words that roughly translate as ‘aww, nearly’.

Daniel McConical, a Fellow in spittle-based grammar at the University of Forfar, thinks that finding such a collection of letters could ‘open the floodgates’. ‘Until now, ‘ochyerdidnaedisgraceyersel’ is the closest we’ve come to describe ‘victory’ or ‘success”, explained McConical. ‘If we do discover something that describes ‘winning’ or at least ‘not getting stuffed’, we might need to expand our vocabulary beyond all our predictions,’ he suggested.

With Scots experiencing feelings such as ‘less morose’ and ‘unbitter’ throughout the Highlands, McConical has been asked several times how to pronounce a sense of ‘not-misplaced pride’. ‘If the pundits are right, we might need to use these words again over the next few years,’ admitted McConical. ‘Fortunately, we don’t yet need to discover a translation for ‘happy’.’

‘That’s a little way off, and we may look to the English for some help with that one”, he conceded. “It’s not something we’re likely to need, unless Murray beats a Sassenach in a Wimbledon final.’