Disgruntled housebreakers are the latest group to join calls for the government to lower university tuition fees, after it emerged that student numbers are down and many of Britain’s leading universities still have vacancies on their courses.
‘With student houses you have at least four sets of laptops, iPhones and a fair bit of ready cash in each house, protected only by a front door that they’re probably too stoned to lock,’ said a spokesburglar, who preferred to be known simply as ‘Bill’ for legal reasons. ‘If there aren’t any students, how are we going to make an honest living?’
The burglars join the Amalgamated Federation of Kebab and Pizza Purveyors, Publicans Opposing University Fees and other sectors of the night-time economy in their concern that falling student numbers pose a threat to their livelihoods. Landlords are also said to be ‘grim-faced’ at the prospect of having to rent houses to families and grown-ups who might read the small print in their contracts.
Responding to these statements after four bottles of Chablis, a university Vice-Chancellor said: ‘Obviously, none of this is our fault. We’re as anxious as anyone for the government to subsidise us more – some of us VCs are actually having to take a wage less than the Prime Minister these days. And of course if they don’t, there’s a very real danger that these people might start targeting the leafy suburbs that we live in. The burglars already do, of course, but kebab shops? Have you seen the standard of punctuation in those places? It’s simply too ghastly to contemplate.’