NewsBiscuit

After trading for 115 years, The Period House Shop in Warwick was today forced to close its doors.

Many are stunned, however, that the shop lasted as long as did with some calling its owner, John Collett, ‘a bit of a tit’.

‘I went in there once to buy a hammer and some nails and tried to pay by credit card,’ said local man Malcolm Goon.  ‘All he did was stare and look befuddled. Then he said: ‘What witchcraft is this? A magic card that ye hold tightly clasped to thy personage? We only take the King’s Bullion, coins and occasionally magic beans. This wizardry will not facilitate the purchase of our stock.’ As I said,’ added Goon, ‘a bit of a tit.’

A desolate Collett commented: ‘People come in asking for alarm systems, timer switches for lights….of what do they speak? We’ve done our best to stay open, installing a stable round the back so customers could park their carriages, opening upon the Sabbath and offering  customer support via homing pigeon, but all  to no avail.’

‘Sadly the modern age has caught up with us and our tallow candles and hand-tooled knobs just can’t compete,’ Collett lamented. ‘I’m off to enlist in the Army, to fend off the Hun.’