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Religious protesters stand down as Gods agree to fight their own battles

For centuries, Christians, Muslims, Hindus and others have felt obliged to take offence by proxy and slaughter each other in their millions while their respective deities sulked in their bedrooms eating crisps and listening to annoying music. Now as their gap aeon draws to a close, the gods are finally setting off to manage their own affairs.

Single mother Mary ruefully recalled the time she dragged Jesus round to Quetzlcoatl’s mum’s house to make him apologise for his followers’ genocide of the Incas. ‘He can be a very loving boy, but I’m tired of doing everything for him – he just never seems to get involved. Time to move on. It’s a blessing really.’

Waving goodbye to Baal as he set off in a rusty Fiesta crammed with bags, boxes and a stained duvet, Samira was more forthright. ‘Good riddance, he treated this house like a hotel. His brazen bull was in a shocking state and we’ve never had a word of thanks. It’s very frustrating, after all the sacrifices we’ve made for him.’

And wiping a tear from her eye, Sarah Goldstein sighed, ‘It will be a wrench to see him go, just like when Mercury flew the nest, but they have to grow up, and little Yahweh was getting to be quite a handful. Sometimes he just doesn’t know his own omnipotence.”

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Posted: Sep 20th, 2012 by Guest

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