British rats are angry at news that unlicensed West African cane rat meat is for sale on market stalls in East London.
Speaking at an undisclosed location (but probably less than four metres from where you are reading this) a British rat, identified only as ‘Neville’, declared: ‘For decades we British rats have been proud to be smashed over the head in takeaways and fed to the nation’s binge-drinkers. And those of us still alive can enjoy eating the remains in the vomit on the pavement outside on a Sunday morning. It’s a win-win. Do you want to say goodbye to that?’
And Neville wasn’t done. ‘Market stalls! How common! We have standards. KFC, Wimpy, MacDonalds – respectable names that any rat would be happy to be seen skinned, breaded and deep fried in. Even pole dancing in the local kebab shop is preferable. But these foreign rats come over here and before you know it they’re anybody’s for a couple of quid.’
The newcomers have denied that they are a threat. One, speaking from the back room of a Camden butchers shop this morning, said: ‘We pests are in the same boat – often literally. So I say, live and let – aaaagh!’