‘It’s terribly upsetting,’ complained regular attendee at psychic readings, Margaret Meach from Croydon. ‘I attended a Sally Morgan event hoping to hear from my late mother Pam and I thought she was coming through for me when Sally said ‘I’m getting the letter P’. But then she went on to say, ‘and another P, and an I. Is there anyone in the room who’s been mis-sold payment protection insurance in the past ten years?’ It’s not what I expected, although to be fair to her there were a few people in the room who said they had.’
Spam attacks have also been experienced in other forms of the dark arts. A group of Aberystwyth students messing with a ouija board last week were shocked and traumatised when they spelled out ‘Our records show that you still haven’t claimed the damages you are due following your accident. Call us now to find out how much you could receive’. In a separate incident a fairground gypsy was forced to give a refund to a Dumfries couple after they complained that their tea-leaves had predicted they would make huge savings on genuine Louis Vuitton handbags.
‘It’s very hard for us to do anything to combat it,’ explained TV psychic Derek Acorah. ‘As spammers die and move across to the spirit world, they take their annoying habits with them and flood genuine necro-communications forums with their desperate offers. It leaves us with very little time to peddle our usual shot-in-the-dark, half-truth rubbish. We don’t know what we can do about it.’
In desperation, a specially selected group of psychics and the gullible have got together to turn their spam-filters up to maximum and seek guidance from a set of tarot cards. ‘We’ve had no luck in solving the problem so far, though,’ admitted one participant. ‘Although I am looking forward to receiving the year’s supply of Viagra I’ve just ordered. I never even knew there was a ‘Keep her moaning all night long’ card in the tarot.’