Buckingham Palace has again been rocked by claims made by a senior war correspondent, this time John Simpson claiming that during a state banquet in honour of The Sultan Of Brunei in 2006 Her Majesty made an inappropriate advance to him when she slid her hand beneath the table and fondled his knee during a speech by the foreign secretary.
In a statement to The Guardian newspaper the doyen of war correspondents Simpson said. ‘The evening had passed off in a fairly standard and mundane fashion with speeches made by various dignitaries and so forth and Her Majesty seemed in excellent spirits, chatting to myself and others in a relaxed and friendly fashion. Though I did notice that she’d been drinking heavily throughout and her speech was a little slurred at times.’
‘It was during a long speech from the foreign secretary outlining exciting new trade opportunities between Great Britain and Brunei that I felt something touching my knee beneath the table. I glanced to my left and saw that The Queen was looking at me strangely her cheeks flushed and her lips parted in what I can only describe as a saucy pout.’
‘Now as you know Her Majesty is a very beautiful and alluring woman and I defy any red blooded male not to have become extremely aroused by her attentions and I was no exception. I felt the hot blood coursing through my veins and it took all my self control not to dive on top of her and snog her face off but my sense of protocol and years of BBC training in how to handle situations exactly like this one thankfully came to the fore and I hastily rose from the table claiming I was breaking my neck for a slash.’
‘When I got back her Majesty had moved and was now sitting alongside the Pakistani Cultural Attaché who appeared to be sweating profusely and kept glancing down at his lap.’
‘When I got home that evening and reached in my pocket for the door key I noticed a small slip of paper on which had been hastily scrawled a phone number and the message ‘Call me maybe? Elizabeth R.’.’
‘Over the next few days I was torn between my sense of decency and loyalty to my BBC employers and the almost feverish desire to take things to the next level with The Queen. Eventually and rather foolishly I let my passion take control and we went as far as to exchange a few saucy texts outlining what we’d like to do to each other but I hastily pulled the plug when she began asking for lewd pictures of me doing fake pieces to camera with my genitals on display.’
A spokesman for Buckingham Palace denied any such behaviour from Her Majesty. Though the call was cut short, after an elderly lady in the background ordered him to get off the phone and ‘do that thing again with the sceptre’.
Jonny Schlep, pic by Pinxit