Former papal butler Paolo Gabriele has broken down in an Italian court and begged to be locked up, after receiving threats from the Vatican to ‘make that scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Harvest fucking Festival.’
Pope Benedict XVI, former head of Germany’s notorious Ratzinger mob, is said to be furious over the leak of his private papers by Gabriele to the Italian media. It’s long been known that he believes forgiveness to be over-rated and ‘for pussies.’
Italian judges are taking the threats seriously after two hefty nuns, Sisters Bernard and Trevor, managed to infiltrate Gabriele’s cell and, in their words, ‘perform extreme unction on that bitch’s skinny ass.’ Gabriele was left with severe cuts and bruises before a dozen guards managed to subdue the nuns.
At first, Gabriele’s protests when it was thought he might be handed over to the Vatican were considered overly dramatic, given that he’d been told the likely sentence would be six Hail Marys. However, an unnamed Vatican Archbishop confirmed precisely what that really means. ‘A Hail Mary? No, you don’t want even one of those,’ said the Archbishop. ‘Repeated roundhouses by the Pope interspersed with waterboarding in the font. At the end you get thrown to the nuns. The only thing worse is the Bloody Mary, and I don’t even want to talk about that. Let’s just say the red papal shoes used to be white.’
‘The Our Father, The Lord is My Shepherd, Father Forgive Me, The Irish Blessing, The Act of Contrition, Footprints… none of those are fucking prayers, man. Then there are the Pope’s own ‘penances’ that he’s thought up all by himself. Pound of Flesh, Death from Above, Redemption, The Holy Now You See, Now You Don’t… the list goes on. Vatican criminal code use to follow Italian law, but not since Papa Benny arrived.’
Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana, Princess of Wales, has sent a message of support to Gabriele. ‘I know what it’s like when you get caught stealing from those who place their trust in you, so my thoughts are with Gabriele at this difficult time. On the upside, he can now look forward to a low-rent celebrity career that will all but confirm his lust for money and attention, lived out on the higher TV channel numbers at about 2.30 on weekday afternoons. I’ve sent him a bottle of my new own-brand wine, Royal Butler. I don’t know, he can sprinkle it on his chips or something.’