Riot police helpless in face of angry, non-confrontational mob

Truncheon-wielding riot police were left helpless in Birmingham yesterday, as they attempted to control a passive-aggressive crowd who gave no indication of what they were protesting about.

Police chiefs responded quickly to suggestions that people were angry about something, but upon arrival were met with placards saying ‘Forget it. It’s fine. Whatever’, and ‘oh, never mind’. Tensions mounted as the traditional call of ‘What do we want?’ petered out into ‘Well, if you haven’t worked it out by now’, leaving negotiators shuffling awkwardly on the sidelines.

Officers are still trying to determine the demands of the deeply sighing crowd, a task hampered by protestors deploying the silent treatment. Causes such as budget cuts, an iPhone5 shortage or forgetting to do the hoovering have all been ruled out, and authorities are now researching the dates of previous major civil disturbances to see if they’ve forgotten an important anniversary.

Chief Inspector Chisholm thinks the protest might be down to ‘a bitchy remark made by his mother’. ‘I just wish they’d chuck a brick or set fire to a McDonalds’, said Chisholm. ‘It’s so much healthier to get these things out in the open.’

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Posted: Oct 6th, 2012 by

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