Missing food clown Ronald McDonald has finally been discovered, living a sick double-life in Bangkok. Thai police confirmed they’d arrested a 45 year-old with a fake Scottish passport, after a disturbance at an adult cinema. According to reports, the fugitive appeared dishevelled and stained with special sauce, and had refused to leave after propositioning a female member of staff to give him a ‘McShake’.
Speculation surrounding McDonald’s private life has been rife. At 6’5”, the larger-than-life food fetishist had a control over many of his victims, and would convince them to stuff their young full of crap. But with internet forums full of rumours about the exact nature of his bun obsession and where he stuck his gherkins, he was quietly dropped by sponsors and replaced with carrot sticks as a carrot on a stick with a promise of 5 a day.
Ronald not only disappeared from the nation’s TV screens, but also seemingly from the face of the earth. Some speculated about an assassination by the shadowy Burger King, whilst others believed he’d succumbed to BSE. Other more far-fetched theorists believed he had been hiding out in former Australian fast bowler Merv Hughe’s moustache, living off Fosters lager and vegemite. These latter rumours were completely unfounded.
The truth was sadder than any internet based rumour. McDonald was reportedly found in the southern part of Bangkok, disguised in a cheap ‘Where’s Wally?’ outfit and wearing a girdle. Sleeping rough on Colonel Sander’s sofa in the basement of a brothel, he was discovered surrounded by gnawed chicken bones and gimp masks.
Like the Little Chef before him and a retired soldier known only as ‘Wimpy’, he had been taken in by the Colonel in an apparent act of kindness. And there he remained, addicted to forbidden perversions and the Colonel’s secret recipe (which forensics experts later discovered wasn’t a ‘blend of 11 herbs and spices’, but a mix of salt and glue).
The road to recovery will be a long one for Ronald, but there is hope that one day he will once again enjoy happy times, and meals.
Button, Charlie’s Hat, VCG and Waylandsmithy