The new 007 film ‘Skyfall’ may never be released after MI5 became concerned that the secret agent at the heart of the operation, James Bond, has become so famous that he can’t go anywhere without being recognised. To allow him to continue with the missions planned for the film would be to put his and possibly many others’ livelihoods at risk, the intelligence agency confirmed.
After numerous TV appearances where he’s been seen drinking beer, driving BMWs and slapping on Eau Eau 7 Cologne de toilette, the agency has concluded that his usual, delicate missions inside the most exclusive casinos were likely to fail as he wouldn’t even get past the doorman without being asked if he was ‘that bloke off the telly’.
‘He’s supposed to be a secret agent, for heaven’s sake,’ said ‘M’, head of marketing at MI5, expressing fears that wherever he went people would wink and say ‘Ah Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you,’ before serving up a fizzy bottle of Heineken, shaken, not stirred.
‘It’s hopeless,’ added M.
Special agent Bond is now confined to desk duties and will not return to field work before undergoing plastic surgery and assuming a new identity, as he has done several times in the past: ‘Perhaps this time he will return as a weightlifting Scottish milkman, or an Irish American con man by the name of Remington Steele,’ mused Ernst Stavro Blofeld, whilst stroking his cat.
According to ‘M’, the proposed hush-hush mission will now be taken up by someone else. ‘Actually it will be secret agent 004, who doesn’t drink beer or drive flash cars but instead prefers a Ford Focus, registration number HP56 TWN and goes by the name of Gordon Parsons and….. Er, actually it will be 005. And he’s black. And Gay. Because no-one would be expecting that. Or would they? Or would they expect him to be black and gay. Because that’s the last thing they ‘d expect him to be. Did you see what I did there?’ Said ‘M’ as she reclined smugly in her large red leather armchair.
‘The sponsors would love that,’ she added, and as her thoughts moved on to the next Bond film ‘Brand it like Beckham’, she couldn’t stop herself lowering her voice, bringing her little finger up to the corner of her mouth and cackling ‘One Trillllion Dollars…..’