In what is thought to be the first recorded case of its kind, a single, male member of the human race today finally succeeded in traversing the frontage of an Ann Summers shop without experiencing shame, embarrassment or a belief that every female within sight thought that he was some kind of despicable sex pervert.
Performance artist, David Greaves, from Manchester, has spent the last six months painstakingly preparing for the stunt, which neurologists had advised him could be impossible, by walking around villages covered in pornographic pictures with a neon “I love nookie” sign flashing over his head.
“The anti-embarrassment training definitely stood by me today,” said a clearly exhausted Greaves afterwards. “That was definitely one of the toughest stunts I’ve ever done. There was one point I thought I was going to lose it when I saw a woman looking at me strangely just after I’d taken a sneaky peek at the mannequin dressed in a sexy nurse’s uniform, but I was able to hold it together, just about,” he laughed, nervously.
Greaves has made a career out of performing such emotion-defying feats. Last September, he became the first person in history to successfully negotiate airport security without feeling an overwhelming sensation of guilt and a belief that he had suddenly become the world’s most wanted, drug-dealing terrorist. He followed this up in March this year by managing to overtake a police car on the motorway without believing that he would be immediately pulled over, arrested and banned for life.
Despite his incredible success and hard work, he seems to have no plans to take a break and has already announced the plans for his next stunt. “It’s going to be even tougher again,” he said. “I’m going to attempt to buy a packet of condoms from an attractive, young, female chemist without looking at the ground, losing the power of speech, and asking for a packet of super strength corn plasters, ribbed, instead.”