Conservatives have noticed with approval how the former Chief Whip has whipped himself into shape. He’s now left his post to kick start his own 5 point weight loss plan, which he outlines below:
1: Cycling. I do lots of it. Long interrupted bouts of pedalling will make the pounds disappear
• Top tip: Take control of your exercise programme. “Uninterrupted” is the key here, bike-wise. That Norman Tebbit had the right idea, and he’s a skinny fucker. I did not say “fucker.”
2: Toast. It’s easy to prepare, lots of low fat toppings are available (careful with that butter, Eric) and austerity-friendly.
• Top Tip: You are what you eat. I eat loads of toast. Loads. Enough said
3: Milk. Low fat, great for bones and teeth, prices fixed by supermarkets, which are fixed by us!
• Top Tip. Note to self. Better find out exactly how much it is. Frankly I have no idea.
4: Relax. Don’t let the world prevent you having plenty of down time. Don’t eat too much, and don’t let too much eat you!
• Top Tip: Suggest “We Have all the Time to Spend with our Families in the World” by Louis Armstrong for TV ad
5: Starting your own weight loss plan, building on your fame as a top Tory? Best adopt a pseudonym for your slogan.
• Top Tip: I’m going to call myself “Grant Schapps” in the online campaign. Sure he won’t mind, as he occasionally leaves it unattended. “Get into shape with Schapps”. Note to self: One of those clever Ad men can think of a joke about a “Government Grant”.