US citizens have been advised to batten down the hatches and prepare for the worst in advance of the possible arrival of Hurricane Mitt to the Washington area in the middle of next week. A state of emergency has already been declared in a number of US states, and public transport has been suspended and schools closed in advance of Mitt’s landfall. Observers have warned these precautions could remain in place for up to four years.
‘We predict a long-lasting depression if this particular shit storm sweeps into DC on Wednesday 7 November,’ said a spokesman for the National Hurricane Centre. ‘We’ve been tracking Hurricane Mitt for a while now and, aside from changing its course at will and some sudden veers to the right, we assumed it was just a lot of hot air that would blow itself out. But all of a sudden it’s here and it’s dangerous. If this thing hits land it could send America back to the nineteenth century.’
Meteorologists have described Hurricane Mitt as a ‘Frankenstorm’ as it brings together an unnatural combination of Mormonism and conservative fundamentalism, all exacerbated by a full moon. Citizens have been warned not to be lulled into a state of complacency by the storm’s warm front of caring for the poor and disadvantaged.
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said people needed to start taking action immediately. ‘Despite what you might have heard, this storm is showing a surprising lack of respect for the sanctity of human life. My advice to any American husband is to round up your kids and your four wives, stock up while you can on essentials like social security and health care, and head down into your nuclear bunker and wait for this thing to blow over.’
Meanwhile, to prepare New York for the imminent arrival of the deadly Hurricane Sandy, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is using his vast personal fortune to issue every citizen with sacred Mormon underpants, which for a limited time only are available in brown.