Security forces in Northern Ireland have issued a stark warning about a sinister new paramilitary organisation ‘The Antimatter IRA’.
The group is reported to have seized control of an inter-dimensional portal and is now intent on hurling random antimatter artefacts at ‘symbols of Unionist oppression’ in our reality. Due to the catastrophic relationship between matter and antimatter, these could be anything from sachets of McDonalds’ discontinued ‘Mild Mustard Sauce’ to pre-remastering Phil Collins CD reissues, to destroy most of Belfast.
‘This group is totally misguided’ declared Assistant Chief Constable Drew Harris. ‘not only in their retrograde nationalistic ideologies, but in their conflating of multi-dimensional quantum particle theory and the polarity between matter and antimatter.’
‘Even the likes of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness now acknowledge that the latest breakthroughs in string theory preclude any kind of trans-dimensional threat without a nearby black hole. And we are policing Swansea very thoroughly at the moment…’