As the US presidential election campaign enters its last days, pollsters say the result is still on a knife-edge. Whilst flag worship remains an issue for some, the electorate is split almost evenly over the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business.
‘President Obama’s decision to come out in favour of legalising gay marriage was a pivotal moment,’ said political analyst Frank Luntz. ‘This appears to have solidified his lead among the 60% of Americans who aren’t mad. However, it has probably further alienated more of the 40% who believe that tax-funded healthcare is worse than slavery and that Elvis visited them on a UFO last week.’
In view of the record federal deficit, high unemployment and with many of America’s 300 million people barely getting by from one month to the next, both sides say that the economy is the key issue. However, there has been a tacit agreement to decide the leadership of the world’s most powerful country based on whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside.
Republicans have condemned Obama’s move as a cynical stunt to shore up faltering support during the downturn, since the legalisation of same sex marriage is a state rather than a federal issue. Former Republican candidate Newt Gingrich commented that conservatives like him regard marriage as the unbreakable union of one man and one woman. None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment.
‘Same sex marriage is unacceptable to Christian Americans, the idea is crazy,’ added Mormon Republican candidate Mitt Romney, who believes in a sacred book compiled on golden plates by ancient prophets who lived in America from 2200 BC to 421 AD, then handed to a confidence trickster called Joseph Smith in 1827 and which not only says that Jesus is going to return to Earth in Missouri but also justified Romney’s great-grandfather having four wives at the same time.