Just two weeks after Totnes councillors voted to ban Costa Coffee from opening its first store in the Devon town, Retail Gruppenfuhrer, Heinz Weisz, gave an overview of their latest blitzkrieg.
‘By the end of the year forty Costa Coffee outlets will be opened in a strategic ring around the outskirts of the town, ready to receive outgoing trafffic from the A385 Ashburton Road’ he explained. ‘Every empty shop in the town will be plastered with ‘This Could Be A Costa’ banner to show the locals what they are missing, and teams of local ‘agitators’ will post unflattering reviews of existing coffee shops on Tripadvisor. We are also planning a coffee hall ‘putsch’ to the Town Hall to demand councillors reconsider their decision.’
Herr Weisz was confident of victory by the end of the year. ‘We will demoralise the enemy from within by surprise, terror and sabotage. This is the war of the future. The receptivity of the masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.’