‘Stadium ticket prices have become over-inflated,’ said a spokesperson for AEG. ‘We want to democratise that imbalance based on whether you give a shit about being able to see or hear anything.
‘Now you can buy a ticket for the 2013 Bon Jovi tour for as little as £12.50, which involves being held under water at a nearby lake for the duration of the concert. Then we’ve got the £20 special, which means you stay at home, deprived of your optical and auditory senses. Also, you won’t be allowed to drink your own tap water during the gig. You’ll have to buy ours.’
Student Darren Maloney said ‘It’s about time concert promoters catered for the minority of students who would be seen dead at a stadium gig. I’m hoping to see Celine Dion at Wembley. Well, I say see… I’m going to be paying £11 to sit and watch Al-Jazeera in the back room of a Turkish grocer in Wembley High Road.’
Those who like to splash out on a top-price ticket experience are not being overlooked by AEG. ‘Yes, if you’re some sort of cunt, then our top ticket price for Bon Jovi is £125,’ commented the spokesperson. ‘They’re mainly aimed at business people who like to stand in a corporate safety ring getting free tinnitus, shout ‘amazing sound system’ to a client who got hammered before the gates opened, and get emotional over the lyrics to It’s My Life. Or, in the case of Bon Jovi, American couples in matching fleeces that have wolves printed on them.’