Officials on the Isle of Wight have today announced they are going to attempt to send their first citizen into cyberspace. The plans come exactly 1 year after a previous attempt failed when local hero, Bernard Smithe (103), attempted to ‘get online’ using a PC, only to be met with handcuffs and pepper spray.
‘We have learnt many things from last year’ retired scientist Henry Fern, who is leading the expedition told us. ‘We know the exact web address we travelling to, and have a 30 strong team from the WI looking for it on a map. The address is Google.com, but we are still trying to figure out if it is a main road or cul-de-sac’.
A tight budget has seen them cut back on luxuries such as a spacecraft and rocket booster, instead opting to make the historic journey in a 1982 mini metro. The cyberspace vehicle, named ‘Internet Explorer’ has been fitted with all the essential equipment you would expect on such hi-tech mission.
‘Our navigation will be led by a state of the art, 1987 AA road atlas’ Fern continued, ‘which means not only will we be able to get to our destination Website using the quickest possible route, but unlike NASA we will know the location of every Little Chef on the journey. We will also have a 6month supply of ten pence pieces in the glove compartment for the phone box to ensure communication with the craft is consistently intermittent.’
The pilot for this ground breaking mission is the island’s youngest qualified cyberspaceman, 71 year old Harry Charles. It is understood his first words in cyberspace will be an Armstrongesque ‘this is one small step for man, and a few more small steps being careful not to fall over for man-kind’.
He told us he was looking forward to his historic mission. ‘I was chosen I believe because cyberspace is full of tweets and tits’ he said excitedly ‘and I have won the Isle of Wight ‘twitcher of the year’ eight years running’.