In news released today by God’s chief messenger, the Archangel Gabriel, it was revealed that the Almighty has grown tired of dispatching monarchs over the centuries and now wants to maintain the status quo. ‘Arrows through eyes, decapitations, disembowelment, death by syphilis and burying under car parks hath been the fate of Kings and Queens for nigh on a thousand years,’ said Gabriel. ‘Thus God hath decreed that it would be less fraught to hang on to His faithful servant Elizabeth II for probably about another millennium.’
Saving the Queen will allow God to concentrate on other major issues ranging from starvation in Africa to attempting to introduce tiny amounts of goodness into the hearts of bankers, directors of utility companies and politicians.
In an exclusive interview with ‘Hello!’, Gabriel revealed that God quite liked the current Queen, not only because of her tasteful wardrobe but because she loves horses. ‘He hath four trusted steeds Himself, which He hopes one day to take on a gallop around the place. In fact He’s just sent one of them down for a quick canter around the Middle East, so watch out for that.’
The news will come as a welcome relief to millions of people around the world who have been subjected to singing Britain’s dreary national anthem. ‘At last we can kick off major international football tournaments without having to mouth those bwain-numbing lyrics,’ said Woy Hodgson, England’s national football team manager. ‘There’s nothing more embawwassing than watching a dense team line up trying to remember the words.’
God’s latest decree has met with some criticism, however, most notably by Prince Charles. In an unguarded moment on an excursion to the Great Barrier Reef he was heard to declare, ‘Fuck, fuck and triple fuck. Mind you, ‘Jerusalem’ has always been a personal favourite of one’s.’
18th November 2012