Sir Bruce, whose official career spans 572 years, was delighted to be selected after earlier rejections for the parts of Che in Evita and the title role in Jesus Christ Superstar.
‘He was the obvious choice,’ said Lord Lloyd-Webber in an interview. ‘Yes, he did once audition for Jesus Christ but that would have been a resurrection too far. Nosferatu requires someone who can stumble around incoherently and scare the living poo out of an audience, so he should really be able to get his teeth into the role.’
Last night in a break from rehearsals for Strictly Come Dancing Sir Bruce said, ‘It has been a lifelong ambition of mine to star in a musical show in the West End after centuries of appearances at provincial theatres like the Whitby Pavilion and the Theatre Royal in Bilston. It’s also a great honour because early German Expressionism has never really been my forte; I was once asked to star in The Cabinet of Dr Caligari but had to turn it down because I get claustrophic. All right, my loves?’
In a strange case of life imitating art, there have been rumours that Sir Bruce does not return to his alleged home in Virginia Water between recordings of Strictly and that instead he in fact roosts in a crypt in London’s famous Highgate Cemetery.
However his agent has refuted this. ‘There is absolutely no truth in the rumour. Anyway, Sir Bruce is not available for comments at the moment as he does not do interviews between dawn and dusk.’
According to leading London ticket agency Albemarle, advanced ticket sales for Nosferatu! are going extremely well. ‘There are even fears that Sir Bruce will enjoy a longer run than The Mousetrap.’