There have been fresh calls for an immediate ceasefire in the Middle East after an Israeli F16 jet fighter destroyed a kebab shop in Upton Park, East London, leaving the proprietor and 12 customers dead. This is believed to be a tragic mix-up caused by the pilot telling his flight commander to ‘Get me some hummus’.
‘Tariq, the geezer who owned it, was an absolute diamond and did the best donner with chili sauce and hummus for miles around,’ said eye-witness Tony Summers, a local greengrocer. ‘Gawd knows what I’m going to do at lunchtimes now. I’ll probably have to get the old woman to make me a packed lunch or something.’
Paul Gascoigne has reportedly been taking into hiding in case any other Israeli jets mistakenly attack Gazza. However, the former England star has protested that this is unnecessary, adding ‘Howay man, ah nivver played for West Ham y’knaa’.
Jonny Shlep, hat tips to fernandomando and nowherefast