Roman Abramovich has been confirmed as the new manager of Chelsea by Roman Abramovich following the departure of hapless stooge Roberto di Matteo, who inexcusably lost a couple of games whilst managing the team for a pittance.
Abramovich, whose knowledge of football is regarded as ‘second to none’ by Roman Abramovich, chairman and now manager of Chelsea FC, has also temporarily recruited Rafa Benitez to his management team until the end of the season. ‘Rafa’s role,’ he said, ‘will mostly be to try and swat imaginary moths in the changing room and ineffectively moan in a high-pitched whine about any decision made by a referee, leaving me free to concentrate on the bigger picture.’
The Russian has already stamped his mark on the team, sacking most of the defence and replacing them with several lumps of Polonium. ‘It’s fair play to the manager there,’ said TV pundit Alan Hansen, ‘Not many in the premier league would relish taking them on: Rooney, Scholes, Suarez, you name them, full of passion, maybe, but they all want to keep their hair. But you have to say, it’s a perfect partnership with John ‘Toxic’ Terry still there in the middle.’
Abramovich has also taken the unusual step of becoming player-manager, taking on the no. 7 shirt in midfield, flanked by a couple of bodyguards with AK-47s to shore up the 5-3-2 configuration he favours. From here he’ll lob wads of cash of up to £50 million upfield to a couple of expendable peasants, who’ll keep a bit of the cash and aim the rest at the opposition goalie in the hope of getting a ‘result’ for the boss.
‘In the premier league as it is today, you have to say he’s got his tactics absolutely spot on,’ said Hansen, ‘and if a bundle of £50 notes bounces off the cross bar, it may be that it lands in a referee’s pocket, at which point you’d naturally expect the score board to change in Chelsea’s favour.’
But Abramovich himself explained that even this appointment was temporary. ‘I have my limitations, I might lose a game, may have to sack myself, give myself an enormous payoff, and appoint myself again. I can do that for as long as it takes until we get our preferred candidate, but unfortunately he’s currently on sabbatical from football,’ he rued. ‘It could be another four years before we get Vladimir Putin.’