“Dear Harald, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but frankly we’ve quite enough Christmas trees of our own and if we wanted one for the Square we could probably nip out and get one from a Berni Inn car park any Saturday up till Christmas,” the Mayor writes.
“On the other hand, the mighty Shard is jolly unique and visible from pretty much everywhere across London, except, outlandishly, when you’re standing next to it, as I found out to my cost the other day when I asked a taxi driver to ruddy well take me there, which he proceeded to do, and charged me a fiver just for getting in one side and climbing out the other,” continues the letter to the Scandinavian monarch.
“This year we’re going to hang some great big, and I mean whopping, enormous great baubles from the Shard, hey presto there you go, Christmas wrapped up, as they say, right across the Capital. I wish we hadn’t bothered tinselling up Regent Street now. You’re welcome to pop over and take a gander, Your Majesty, more or less whenever you wish – but if you’ve got a telescope you can probably see it from Oslo.”
The letter ends, “I know you still feel bad about the war and all of that, so if you do want to keep on showing some eternal gratitude year after year, could we possibly have a 90ft fairy to go on top? Could you manage that? Send it flat-packed if you like. Oh no, that’s the Swedes isn’t it.”