In an attempt to get Britain’s beleaguered finances under control, Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that a Swearing Tax is to be introduced in the next Budget. At a basic rate of 25p per expletive, he hopes to raise more than £1 billion over the Christmas period alone and intends to use it to finance good causes such as quantitative easing and bank bailouts.
‘The British people have a proud tradition of both charitable giving and moaning,’ said Mr Osborne, ‘and now they’ll be able to combine these interests. Every workplace, home and drinking establishment will be equipped with a Smart Expletive Meter so that no obscenity will go uncharged. This simple measure will raise much needed monies and get us out of the financial shit. Ooops, there’s 25 pence right there!’
The Treasury has completed a careful process of assigning all swear words to different tax brackets, with certain inventive profanities, such as cockburger and bitchtits, expected to attract a much higher rate of tax than everyday curses such as butt plug and dickweasel. Relief will be available to specified groups such as Tourette sufferers, builders and northerners.
‘If you ask me it’s a fucking joke,’ said plumber Barry Flintlock from Hatfield, making his first donation to what is already being referred to as the Bollocks Tax. ‘We had one of those boxes in the Rotary Club for third world countries. It worked for a while, but people soon started to use the word ‘feck’, like they do on Father Ted. Before we knew it our coffers were empty and there’s some kid in Darfur with a sodding great worm in his leg.’
But critics of the scheme say it will discriminate against the poor. ‘For those on the lowest rung of society, swearing is one of the few pleasures left to them. It’s alright for those who can afford it – every time they get a bit fed up they can just jet off to Monaco or the Canary Islands and indulge in a bit of offshore swearing.’
By Landfill (with hat-tips to AReader, steve_l and Yikes)