The afterlife was in shock last night after God announced his intention to stop working in mysterious ways and start working in more streamlined ways with clearly traceable lines of empirical accountability.
The move has been welcomed by some of the Kingdom’s modernisers. ‘Don’t get me wrong: talking snakes, exploding shrubs and having a go at Pharaohs with lots of frogs, all that was really out there. At the time, no other deity was doing that sort of thing. But times and have changed and we need to look forward.’ said St Constantine the Moderniser.
‘There’s a lot of evil in the modern world: wars, famine, malaria, the continued recording career of Chris de Burgh. God really should be seen to be making demonstrable progress on these but until now he’s just been prolonging them and then deflecting criticism by putting his fingers in his ears and saying ‘mysterious ways’ repeatedly until everyone leaves his office.’ he added.
Some cynics are, however, writing off the announcement as merely a pre-emptive move, designed to draw attention from the recent Heavenson Enquiry which is due to publish its findings next week. The investigation, into heavenly ethics, launched as a result of the recent prayer-tapping scandal and chaired by the late Dame Thora Hurd, is expected to be highly critical of many senior figures in the afterlife.
‘Everyone is bracing themselves for this. We’re all expecting Dame Thora to be pretty savage in her conclusions. There are lot of people in the Heavenly management structure who are quite literally shitting theological bricks at the moment.’ said one anonymous source.
‘Even God himself has been called in front of the enquiry’s panel on several occasions. He never turns up personally though; just submits his evidence in the form of locusts, boils or a big wave.’