Palestinian leaders have chosen Laboratoires Garnier to conduct tests that will determine whether Yasser Arafat was poisoned.
‘We’ve seen their adverts and were very impressed.’ said a Palestinian official. ‘They clearly know what they are doing and are leaders in the western scientific community.’
He continued, ‘A very beautiful, tall, brunette woman with her hair tied back and no lenses in her spectacles has assured us that if there is anything there, she will find it. She then let her hair down, shook it in a very sexy way and sucked the end of a pencil.’
A spokesbeauty for Garnier said, ‘We suspect polonium-210, but we’re not ruling out other possibilities, such as alpha hydroxy acids, pro-retinol, jojoba oil, pH-balancing rhino jizz or even aqua.’
Asked how it will conduct the tests, Garnier explained that a strikingly attractive blonde woman with perfect skin, glasses, and a clipboard will ease herself onto a highly-stylised laboratory stool, revealing shapely legs in a tight-fitting skirt, and peer into a microscope.
She will then write something on a smart clipboard, before walking across the room to show the results to a handsome, grey-haired man who clearly has many years’ experience of looking at clipboards, but is still good for his age.
He will then nod, take the clipboard, and calmly, but purposefully, hand the results to an attractive Asian-American woman seated at a long counter and doing something technical with pipettes.
‘Although we’re still missing some vital information, such as how dry and frizzy his hair was in the week leading up to his death,’ continued Garnier’s spokesbeauty, ‘we’re still hopeful we can pin this on a Mossad hairdresser.’