George Osborne today confirmed the launch of the UK’s first Future Sovereign Wealth Fund, tasked with ‘creating and sustaining a world-class Royal Baby Expert Industry for at least the next 21 bloody years’.
£6million has been set aside for much-needed infrastructure projects, such as widening the pavements outside Kensington Palace and making sure all hotels near posh universities can handle bookings up to 2030. A further £3million will provide broadband connections, a baby name app, and a copy of ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ to all journalism apprentices promising to ‘churn out any old shit, as long as it’s about royal babies’.
Brian Jennings, Managing Director of Sunshine Radio in Shropshire, welcomed the initiative. ‘Without this scheme my two ex-media studies students on work placements would be languishing at home surfing the internet, wondering where their next benefit payment is coming from’ he declared. ‘Now they’re paid to surf the internet, on a vital quest to understand the phrase ‘Post Partum’ for the royal-watching nation.’
BBC4 is considering applying to the Fund for money to produce a Jeremy Paxman documentary on Royal Gynaecologists. ‘I can’t think why they’d ask Paxo, he hates this kind of fawning’ said a source. ‘It would be just like him to put his foot in it – and Wills will discover how easy that is after the birth.’