Lottery winner ‘will definitely let it change him’
A resident of Arizona who won $500 million in the ‘Powerball Lottery’ has claimed he is ‘looking forward’ to the money changing him completely.
Chuck Sanders, a shelf supervisor at the Tucson branch of Wal-Mart for the past decade, resorted to volunteering at a local shelter for the homeless ‘cause the women staff were plain but sometimes up for it’. But following his win, Sanders has sworn to ‘fuck that shit right off’ and spend the rest of his life on a ‘gold-plated yacht, snorting cocaine off the breasts of high-class prostitutes’.
Sanders hasn’t completely forgotten his former acquaintances, and still takes the time to phone them from exotic locations. ‘Keeping up with the time zones can be a headache, which is why I now employ a personal horologist’, he explained. ‘With his expertise I’m always confident that I’m ringing them at precisely 3.30 am.’
Thanks to liposuction, rhinoplasty and injections of panda bile, Sanders’ former neighbours might hardly recognise him, if it weren’t for the billboards he’s erected. But one aspect of his life has remained unchanged, and Sanders has vowed to continue buying a weekly lottery ticket. As he explained, ‘if I win for a second time, I won’t let it change me one bit. As I was saying to Trump at one of our little get-togethers last night, I’m relatively content with my lot.’
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Posted: Dec 11th, 2012 by waylandsmithy
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