Scientist at the CERN Laboratory were forced to admit yesterday that the Christmas Collider Fun Day, giving lab workers a ‘bonus massive sub-atomic collision between any two things they bring into work’, had unintentionally impacted on the real world.
‘With hindsight, I accept that operating 7 billion euros’ worth of Large Hadron Collider with a can of lager in one hand and a sausage roll in the other is something that should have been avoided’ said Dr Rolf Dieter, head of the Franco-Swiss research facility. ‘It started as bit of fun – quantum cider and black, molecular Shane Ward into silly Liz Hurley, that kind of thing. But we never thought smashing a conservative into a liberal would bring about the UK coalition government. And Apple Maps into an iPhone ‘ who’d have predicted how that one turned out?’
Researchers at CERN remain baffled as to how an office party miles underground affects events on the surface. ‘As scientists we’re keen to nail this mystery,’ explained Dr Deiter, so we’re all really looking forward to this year’s Fun Day. I want to slam chalk into cheese – but if it goes wrong the tear in the fabric of the TV detective space-time-plot continuum might be irreparable. On second thoughts, maybe I’ll spare humanity further suffering’.
One CERN colleague who isn’t as excited about next week’s event is Harry Grimshaw the caretaker. ‘Who do you think spends the Christmas break cleaning this thing up?’ he fumed. ‘Last year I spend 4 days trying to get bits of chicken and Keith Chegwin out from between the magnets. God knows what I’ll be sweeping up this year. One Direction into a cuckoo clock? Louis Walsh into a public convenience? Gay marriage into the Church of England? When will these scientists ever grow up?’