The craze among top sportsmen for putting their money into equine-emission-based investment vehicles continued this week, as a consortium of Premier League footballers confirmed they have backed the building of the world’s first Unicorn Sperm Bank.
Wayne Rooney, the group’s leader, issued the following statement: ‘Prince Abe of Lagos asked me if we fancied a side investment, because the 350k we gave him last year still hadn’t got his assets released from Nigeria. Unicorn sperm is rarer than hen’s teeth, so we would have been stupid not to sign up.’
The Prince, only contactable by Email, seemed less enthusiastic to talk to reporters, other than to confirm that the price for Unicorn jizz was at an all-time high, ‘perhaps £100k a pop, or whatever.’
The footballer’s cash has funded a new ‘state-of-the-art storage facility designed to guarantee the Unicorn’s survival for future generations’, according to the brochure. ‘We’re flying out to the Unicorn Stud Farm to take a tour round it, ‘ said Mr Rooney, ‘once my PA finds some bloody flights. Where is Narnia, anyway? Somewhere near Dubrovnik?’. Still, the Prince is straight. People said I was mad to invest in his real life dinosaur theme park, but he sent me a DVD update video yesterday, and by the look of it my ‘Jurassic Park’ is nearly complete.’