Recognising the runaway viral success of comments on the Newtown massacre attributed to him, Morgan Freeman has signed a two-year deal to provide simple, soothing explanations for all of life’s troubles, announced Facebook marketing executive, also Morgan Freeman.
Freeman, who has played both God and Nelson Mandela in film, was unavailable for comment, preferring to stare wisely from a still photograph on the Internet until you forwarded his message, but it is understood this could more than double his income from advertising insurance products on British TV alone.
“You want to know why?” asked the Facebook boss rhetorically, pausing before intoning in a slow, Southern drawl. “Because people need the comfort that religion used to provide, and imagining Morgan Freeman’s voice in your head telling you how to understand complex issues, no matter how half-baked or poorly researched those explanations are, is what this generation needs.”
“I’m Morgan Freeman”.