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Bollocks, says everyone, as Mayan apocalypse fails to happen

Same time next year, eh lads.There has been widespread disappointment among the planet’s male population as Britain woke up today to find that the Doomsday forecast by the Ancient Mayans’ ‘long count’ failed to happen.

‘I usually leave buying presents till the last minute, but there was definitely no point rushing to get things done early this year,’ said 32-year-old Toby Hall. ‘The last thing you’d want is to spend your final hours needlessly shopping for stuff, and with that Mayan prophesy guiding my thinking throughout, I simply couldn’t take the chance of being weighed down with unwanted gifts as I enter the afterlife.’

Others had been equally welcoming of the prospect of Armageddon. ‘I had absolutely no idea what to get my girlfriend this year,’ said Anthony Unwin from Catford. ‘So what with that, and the prospect of spending Christmas with the in-laws, if it had all happened as predicted and ended in a blaze of fiery destruction, for me it frankly would have become as a blessed relief from the Gods.’

Also ‘gutted’ was solicitor Paul Underwood, who was spending what he expected to be his last days at Bugarach in the foothills of the French Pyrenees, where aliens were expected to emerge from a mountain to rescue people from the impending apocalypse. ‘I really hope they come. If they don’t turn up there’ll be no escaping sherry with my wife’s stone deaf racist grandparents on Boxing Day,’ he moaned, his voice full of woe.

Ironically, Mexico’s 800,000 remaining ethnic Mayans appear to be alone in dismissing the prophecy as a fable from the start. ‘Er, listening to the supposed ancient wisdom of our ancestors, who didn’t have the wheel and died at 35, you have to say to yourself: ‘d’er, Helloo-oo?’’ said Esteban Granjero, mayor of Olmec. ‘I can’t imagine what an apocalypse would be like, but I suppose it’s not for me to judge as I’ve never had to go shopping in the pissing rain on Christmas Eve in Skelmersdale.’

However, some male shoppers appeared relaxed either way, as one pointed out. ‘If the world did end and everything else stopped, I’m pretty confident the 24-hour petrol station would still be open,’ he said. ‘And what else would you really need to see you through the apocalypse but some tinned food, charcoal briquettes and a cut-price CD of Christmas songs?’

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Posted: Dec 21st, 2012 by Oxbridge and Long Distance Clara

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