Newspapers in several European countries have printed scans of the unclothed child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The intimate ultrasounds show the still genderless tot relaxing naked in a sac of amniotic fluid.
French magazine Gawk, which published the scans on its front cover defended their decision by claiming the Royal foetus had already achieved a state of ‘pre-celebrity’.
A spokesperson for St James Palace said, “It is outrageous that these scans should be all over the media, before the Queen has even had the chance to pin one to one of one’s fridges.”
News of the pictures came after Italian gossip magazine Sacco di Merda revealed that the Royal parents-in-waiting have already compiled a shortlist of potential names, including Pippin, Pixie, Pastel, Tiffany Rose, Brad, Kyle or R-Camb.
No UK titles have published the photos and British newspapers quickly condemned foreign titles that have. “I don’t believe there is a place for candid photography like this in a family newspaper,” said Sun editor Ricky O’Flynn, “unless, of course, they’re of a pretty girl in her late teens from Dagenham.”
The Daily Express, on the other hand, claims one scan shows the child pointing in a manner that clearly implicates Prince Philip in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.
A further complication for the Royal family is that the scans are now being shared freely on social network sites like Twitter, which is also on the shortlist of potential baby names.
Cyberspace ponce Llewellyn Griffiths believes the Windsor foetus will now go viral: “Already we’re seeing spoof images appearing of the baby wearing a Santa hat; with Boris Johnson’s head Photoshopped onto it and a 2001-style foetus in a bubble hovering over Buckingham Palace.”
The Duchess’ sister-in-law Pippa Middleton has announced she is also planning to have ‘one of those baby things’ as soon as possible, and for it to have a ‘much, much nicer arse’.